i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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