Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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