he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
