I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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