I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
