If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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