Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
