well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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