I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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