I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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