batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
