Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
