tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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