I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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