Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it's great music for shaving your balls
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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