I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
