i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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