I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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