I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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