just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
