My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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