I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
