Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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