If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
