In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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