You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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