I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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