i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
