No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
