you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
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I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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