I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
