1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
