John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
