So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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