I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
