weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
