First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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