After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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