oh god the rape fog is back!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
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She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels