Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
