i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
