how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
