im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
