think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
