I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
