my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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