I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
