Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
