I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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