Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
