Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
