He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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