All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
