Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
