Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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