Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
