then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
