I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
