Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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